| Gah! |
[Jan. 30th, 2006|05:55 pm] |
| [ | The Strange Feeling Seems To Be |
| |  aggravated | ] |
Fuckers! |
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| Contemplating Sweet & Infectious Dissonance |
[Jan. 13th, 2006|11:37 pm] |
| [ | The Strange Feeling Seems To Be |
| |  contemplative | ] |
| [ | What Is That I Hear? |
| | 0 Seven | ] |
I think I'm gonna start off with a disdainful short verse of my creation.
How sweet it is to be back in school learning, no?
Or so I would think.
It's been rather annoying coming back
Back to the college life of bullshit classes and stupid-asses!
Where I was safe and sound back home emotions neither up and not at all down.
And I come back to the desert, the cesspool of the enigmatic troglodytes
Reaping their memories in search for meaning in their meaningless existance.
If you hadn't noticed I've grown slightly cynical within the past couple of weeks, or more accurately speaking, since I got back. First and foremost, I've been lucky to get the most boring classes ever. And there is nothing I can do because I must take them. Second, I've been spending lots of money which pisses me off. Third, I'm extremely contemptous regarding those, how shall i put it, akin to myself. Fourth, girls are pissing me off. Fifth, I've been thinkin about looking for comfort in the WRONG places...let's be clear EMOTIONAL comfort. That bothers me above all things. I don't want to depend on something that will not become real; something not worth my time; something that will just fade away. But sometimes your emotions get the better of you and you can't control yourself. You think that when someone shows interest in you and what you do that it must mean they want you, when in reality it may not be the case. Also, no younger people ever! Especially those that are unsure of themselves.Sixth, I'm pissed off that I have to write about my complaints. |
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| And So I Failed |
[Dec. 15th, 2005|01:25 pm] |
So i got an A in English. I predict my grades in INDV 101 B, Arabic 101 B, Trad 101 B. And for my Nats class i checked my grades and i got a BIG FAT E = F! I'm not to worried I'll GRO the class next year.
I met very interesting people this semester. People that will always be close to my heart. Especially one amAHzing person. Anywho, I am headed to the NYC today! My plane might runoff the runway and into the Atlantic. I hope not actually.
I'm stressed out, don't want to fly, and I am in need of a goood vacation. Finals wooped my ass.
Love you lots people! |
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| Let's See |
[Dec. 5th, 2005|12:51 am] |
| [ | The Strange Feeling Seems To Be |
| | contemplative | ] |
| [ | What Is That I Hear? |
| | Simple Things | ] |
I've noticed a pattern within myself when it comes to people, specifically those that I care for, and the ending of semesters. Maybe I can best described through art. The medium being poetry.
In the beginning, I'm always either too shy, too cold,
Existence too bleak while deep underneath unknowingly bold.
With a tight grasp of the unimportant, I let time pass without concern
Until late in the thick, I gather some of that courage that I so gallantly yearn
And all goes well as time passes by; relationships progress day by day
As time passes as does eagerness, is it cut and run or stay and play
As the clock ticks I tend to go all out with those I care for; those that appreciate
Is it it too much for a person to take; I am the one that suffocates
All these questions kind of break me for simple reasons
The fact that I need a catalyst for relationships to progress every season
Its a bit of a problem because I care now than before and time does not care
It will go on;this semester will end without merit, without need, with only emptiness in the air
Bam! And what?!? Wow that was pretty bold statement there. Backdrop to the poem is i always tend to do things at the end of the semester when everything is ending. I fall in lust, in love, in everything you can imagine. And for what? I don't know. And i feel i only react because there is a restriction, time. What happens when there isnt a restriction, when time is not the issue. Will i never amount up to anything until i am old and decrepit. What it is more bothering is that I'm following my old footsteps. The ones that i so arduously worked to walk away from. The ones that hold no clear path or future. The one of unnecessary affection and emotion for those that CANNOT provide an equal or reciprocal response. And it is the same with guys & girls; friends & potentials. I do not know if it is a subconscious game that mind creates. Some say how can you control how you feel; your emotions, who you care for; who you love? How can you?!? It's pretty tough question. I'd wish that there were a simple answer. But there is not. What will become of this boy? Is that what I am, still? Hmm. We'll see, i guess.
Thanks a bunch ladies and gentlemen. I love you all! |
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| Ooo Ahh! Cuckoo Cuckoo! |
[Nov. 30th, 2005|06:46 pm] |
| [ | The Strange Feeling Seems To Be |
| |  blah | ] |
| [ | What Is That I Hear? |
| | Madonna - Get Together | ] |
So...where shall I begin. My crazy ways have been getting rather serious. I've been looking for trouble more and more past few days. I've been almost starved of drama and a strong urge from within has allowed me to want to be immersed in it; it being drama. Why, oh why, do you ask. I don't know. I just need something to kick up some strong emotion outta me. Class, you ask? Class will always be the same. I'm gettin A's? "Woopdy-Fucking-Doo!" I'm getting D's? "Aren't I the smart one." It's all the same to me. Anyway, i don't know how i can cause anymore drama. I've already done everything i could possibly can to piss off my family. (i.e. coming to UofA, coming out, blowing money off). And I've probably done everything I could do to some of my friends. (i.e. stop talking to my roommate for about 3weeks now, supposedly hitting on a friend's gf and not talking to him either, hmmm...i think thats all for "friends") I do not know. I don't know what i need now. What to do, what to do? I would love to take this girl out on a date but this girl is soooo busy. And on top of that, I'm not getting an interest vibe and if thats not going on, why even bother? I gotta be entertained! I gotta have something to work with. "Blah" to that my friends. And i'd really like to have the courage to talk to this dude in my trad class but i know i'll chicken out. I don't know why i'm intimidated by men and not women. That fucks me up, honestly! Maybe i should adopt a baby or a puppy, a little chinese one, not a chinese puppy but a chinese baby! About 9 days til my first final!!!! Yay!!! And about 15days til i leave for x-mas break i can't wait!!!!
I love you all ladies and gentlemen! Check Ya Later!
P.S. Does anyone have any suggestions about starting some stuff AKA Drama? |
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| A Simple Burden |
[Nov. 21st, 2005|08:33 pm] |
| [ | The Strange Feeling Seems To Be |
| | frustrated | ] |
| [ | What Is That I Hear? |
| | Eric Clapton | ] |
I know no one who is quite like me
sharing my feelings most positively
falling in love with the wrong ideals
turning time back like a film reel
I know no one that can see quite like me
the beauty in people both outside and within
the love that they give as if they'd never been
treated like kings and queens, excessively
But what is the point of all this
is there something I get in return
or is the outcome myself getting burned
for all I give, perhaps, I deserve to be missed
Maybe the time will come when I would be appreciated
neither stood up, talked down, definitely not hated
or maybe it's time I forget these dreams
that neither end up coming true while always unseen. |
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| My Lotus |
[Nov. 17th, 2005|10:20 pm] |
| [ | The Strange Feeling Seems To Be |
| |  anxious | ] |
| [ | What Is That I Hear? |
| | Beck - Everybody's Gotta Learn Sometimes | ] |
Sometimes, for me, it's better to stop planning and let things fall into place all by themselves. I try to that more frequently but it can be so scary not being able to control what's going on. There have been, recently, so many things going on. I've usually been ok with anything that comes my way but lately I've been gettin nicked by some things. I've always usually been good about missing things but lately I've found myself missing home. And no doubt New York is great, who wouldn't miss it? But the feelings been stronger. But who can help that really, I come from a far distant land away from the numerous cacti and harsh hot desert. And from the desert, from the darkness comes forth light and life; so many beautiful experiences, so many experiences that have helped me with self and identity, so many people that have been apart of my life, so many new oportunities to meet even greater people.
Sometimes I waste my time with unimportant people; people with no depth and substance; with people that don't share the same interests that I have. Its hard, at times, to stay focused and hold on to one's control. Sometimes one feels that they have so much to give yet there is no one there to receive it. I mean thats probably untrue but sometimes you can't help but feel that way.
Speaking of darkness to light I finally finished that painting I've been workin on since forever! It was all ugly and then yesterday i was inspired by someone, yeah i know someone (AWESOME, she is), and it looks amazing, i think. I love it! It's my new favorite one! You guys should check it out; it's in album, along with everything else, on facebook. |
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| : ( Drunkeness : ( |
[Nov. 11th, 2005|03:29 pm] |
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No more drinking for me for a while. The stupid things I do when drunk are un-fucking-imaginable. Wow. That is all i have to say. |
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| My Mind And Behavior |
[Nov. 9th, 2005|12:38 am] |
| [ | The Strange Feeling Seems To Be |
| | anxious | ] |
| [ | What Is That I Hear? |
| | Zero 7 | ] |
I don't know what I want or what I'm doing! Holy shit this is fucked up...just because it's not me. |
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| Self & Destruction? |
[Nov. 8th, 2005|12:29 am] |
| [ | The Strange Feeling Seems To Be |
| | contemplative | ] |
| [ | What Is That I Hear? |
| | George Michael - Careless Whisper | ] |
So I'm sitting here and wondering why I dream certain things, why I put myself in situations that will only end up disastrous. I sit here and think about things like this a lot. My life, as of know, is filled with unimportant details.
I'm doin rather shitty with a class of mine. My might even fail. I'm not motivated at all when it comes to shit like that, nowadays. I don't really understand why I just don't care about something like that. But the real question is should I even be caring about that. But whatever.
Like I was saying previously, I have been feeling bad. And now I don't really anymore. And it is very interesting and disturbing why I don't feel that way anymore. I have ALWAYS been particularly adamant about feeling good all on your own; all by yourself. When a person takes away your feelings of pain and loneliness whatever your sorrow seems to be, it makes you rely on someone else for your happiness and thats wrong; that only demonstrates your own weakness. And sadly enough, this is what is happening with me. I allowed myself to be caught up, preoccupied, with someone else. I allowed my happiness to be obtainable because of someone else. I cannot allow myself to do this. Maybe I'm looking way too much in this but I'm just really serious about this. And do you wanna know who this mysterious bringer of happiness is; the one who makes all the evil sadness, worries, and hopeplessness go away; the charming, intriguing, and kind person. I could not make a bigger mistake then this one. I've fallen for a straight guy. Not only is that dangerous, idiotic and cataclysmic but it is also against my own personal beliefs as a semi-gay individual. It is not something that a person is supposed to do. First and foremost, this situation, it wont go anywhere. I'm not gonna try to do any conversions. I don't do that stuff anymore. It doesn't make you feel particularly good, emotionally; it just leaves you with a feeling of emptiness. And second, if he is, which he is not, I don't think he would be man enough to admit his gayness. But then again not many "straight" guys do admit it. But thats not the point. The point is this, situation, will only go into a downward spiral. But I can't help it. The way he makes me feel is just amazing, the way he talks, what he says, how he looks, its just all so perfect; it's honestly not something I've felt ever.
What's a guy like me to do? I'm playing with fire. I'm drowning myself. I might even lose. The funny thing is I know where this might head and I'm not really concerned about it. I'm sure when it does happen, though, that I will be bitching, most definitly.
Thank You Very Much My Beautiful Ladies & Gentlemen |
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| Let's Talk About It |
[Nov. 1st, 2005|12:28 am] |
| [ | The Strange Feeling Seems To Be |
| |  crappy | ] |
| [ | What Is That I Hear? |
| | The Genius Vocals of Alicia Keys | ] |
What's there to talk about? Talk about feeling shitty. Yeah thats pretty much how I've been feeling for the past couple weeks. I think I'm pretty resourceful especially when it comes to feeling shitty. I try to do things that would really not allow me to sulk. But lately nothings really been working. My fascade can only last for so long. I do this thing where i seem really joyful but i don't really feel very joyful. I go to parties and drink everything away. And go nuts, go crazy, like every other dumb drunk asshole, being an idiot. Does it honestly make me feel better? Well in the moment yes, but ulimatley it really doesn't. But i still do it. And I'm thinking i'll continually do it. Is that wise? Probably not.
I just need to be enlightened to help me breakaway from all of this emptiness. Is there anything or anyone that can get me back on track. I say 'anyone' as if that is the answer and I know it clearly is not. I only say that because my heart seems to think that thats the answer but I am intelligent and i know its not. I'm just so tired of meeting the say ditzy girls and self-centered homos. Actually I'm not exactly being honest. The reason for my mood is feeling like an outcast; an outsider. I don't feel like a fit in all the time with the friends i have. I definitly need a change with respect to friends. Granted i do love the friends i have but you feel shitty if no one you know is going through the same shit that you are. With most of my great friends gone away, especially my ASU friend, it's like i've been left alone to fend for myself with the rest of the UofA's Supersluts & their arogant counterparts.
P.S. I had crazy fun this weekend! It's been a good two weeks for partying. I've gotten wasted past couple of weekends! WooooooooMotherfuckinHooooooooooo! It's been awesome. |
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| (no subject) |
[Oct. 29th, 2005|10:48 pm] |
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It's really important for people like us to stick together. And surprisingly enough or maybe not surprisingly, we don't. Are we destined to be what others really think of us or are we ready to surpass the stereotypical stigma. Maybe it's time for that now; time to stick together. Has that become a cliche, does it even mean what it really means anymore, does anyone even really care. Whatever the case is life will keep on movin forward. |
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| Hmmm |
[Oct. 17th, 2005|12:32 am] |
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What Am I To Prove? |
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| Dorthy's Friend |
[Oct. 15th, 2005|02:21 am] |
| [ | The Strange Feeling Seems To Be |
| |  indescribable | ] |
And I say whether or not the dreams I have are feasible
Feasible to what is generally better known as right and wrong
Wrong like the wrongs of remorse, guilt and regret
And what is right?
Is it right of me to want and need things that are trivial?
My dreams, filled with cheap quotes and thoughts that seem malleable
But what of these thoughts,
the wretched thoughts;
the 'so-called' bad thoughts
Like Anger, the anger
Anger at the shrewd and contemptuous man
Who considers himself too high and too mighty
To be humble when they're worth less than sand
And I am just a serf, lower than man?
Because I tend to care for both gentle and feminine and the harsh and masculine
I less than sand because I don't frolic about
Who is that man to have any doubt
Who really knows, perhaps it is not a crowd akin to myself
With their shallow melodrama that belongs hidden away
Good riddance to those who follow this way
But a strong welcome for those who are themselves |
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| Sequence of Events |
[Oct. 12th, 2005|01:13 am] |
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I took a trad midterm today. I'm pretty sure i did well on it. Then i have an indv test next week! OMG! Can YOU believe it? I can't either. Anyway, also i have a stupid-ass english thing do next week! Everything is piling up! I might just go apeshit. Hahaha! Anyway life's been pretty good. Not Much went on this weekend. Went to some kickbacks got a lil wasted. Helped my passed out roommate get into bed. I know aren't i a good samaratin. I found out this chic had a bf. I was kinda bumbed out but now i cool. There is something that i seem to be waiting for or waiting to happen. I don't know what it is but i think it will happen soon. We'll see. Well I'll see. |
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| All Is Well |
[Sep. 29th, 2005|12:12 am] |
| [ | The Strange Feeling Seems To Be |
| |  happy | ] |
So yes i was feelin bad before but now i've finally come to alive. Everything is normal. Birds are singing grass is growing, well maybe not grass b/c im in the desert but flowers still bloom. Thats nice at least. And i'm over that whole me be crazy to find a girl thing. I mean if its gonna come for me than it will come. Can't waste my time dwelling on dumb stuff. Life is TOO good and TOO precious to be sulking on those "trivial" things that i speak of quite often, actually. School has been a drag but I'm getting by and I'm workin on it. I think I'm starting to learn to surround myself with good people and when I don't want to I don't hang out with them. I don't remember if i wrote about this last time but I've had this overwhelming sense of self-confidence lately and so far its been working for me. Like listen to how childish this is: I was really bored in class and i've kinda been noticing this girl that sits in front of me. So I say "you know what? what have i got to lose". I tear a sheet of paper outta my notebook and write something along the lines of "i think you're very pretty. wanted to say hi. whats your name?" and she writes back and says her name and stuff and i was actually kinda shocked that i gotta a good reaction. Considerin it was rather childish. But anyway point is i met, what seems to be, a really nice girl. And did i mention she's beautiful, seriously. So maybe this will go somewhere maybe it won't. Can't be mad if it doesnt turn out well b/c there will always be something to look forward to. |
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| Ok So Maybe I Will Update This! |
[Sep. 22nd, 2005|12:38 am] |
| [ | The Strange Feeling Seems To Be |
| | discontent | ] |
I've been feeling rather shitty the past couple of weeks. I really felt that I had nothing really to say on this journal but i think i've changed my mind with the help of some feedback. Anyway, what brought about this feeling of shittiness was many things. But i think in the sort of backdrop was my hope of actually meeting someone i enjoy spending time with, someone i liked sharing myself with. Well, I got my cards read and they said its probably not gonna happen this semester and, of course, i was in disbelief. Anyway to make the story more complicated i was actually hopin to meet a nice girl. And this "need" of being with a nice girl probably stems from having to prove to myself, that i am still a man even though i also enjoy the company of other men. This is all subconciously, i think. But whatever it is, How fucked up is that. So i finally meet a girl thats not really into trivial things, one that is not superficial. A nice cute girl on my level, well technically any girl is my level (not to sound cocky, i think anyone can be with anyone they want to be with, i dont mean only myself). But she was on my level and i liked talking to her and all and turns out she's really not into me, ok. Yeah blah blah blah, the more i write about this the more irate i get, just because it seems dumb. So yeah she didnt like me and i was sad b/c i was hoping this would be perfect for me. So for now i'm really done with girls. And with guys i don't even wanna start talking about guys. Really, I'm so discouraged to talk to some dude just because of bad experience with asshole drama fags that i dont even wanna deal with them either. Fuck them. I think i'm gonna not look for anything at all right now. Anyway, i was so cool being by myself and i have to go back to that. I hope within the next couple of days this feeling of shittiness will pass and i will once again feel as good as i have always felt before.
Ciao Amores! |
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